


London Calling

by megzseattle



Series: The Serpent and The Seagull [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Established Relationship, Idiots in Love, M/M, ineffable husbands, life with a talking snake, snek fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-12 22:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20571941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megzseattle/pseuds/megzseattle
Summary: Image bygoodomensficrecommendationson tumblrCrowley starts to expose their little friend to the larger city of London and runs into unexpected complications.





	1. And furthermore... (more conversations with Frederick)

FOOD!

Aziraphale looked up from what had started as a very peaceful Sunday morning, as Crowley suddenly jumped and spilled a large dollop of his morning coffee onto the tablecloth. 

FOOD NOW!

Now that his owners were aware he could talk, Frederick was determined to start getting his opinions heard a bit more around their home. He had decided it was best to start small. Instead of simply waiting for someone to bring him food, he didn’t see why he couldn’t begin to demand it when he needed it. 

“What’s wrong, dear?” Aziraphale asked, reaching over to magic away the resulting stain from his lovely table linens. They were from Belgium, embroidered all over with little doves, and he’d kept them pristine for years. He wasn’t about to let a coffee stain stop him now. 

“Frederick’s hungry and shouting in my head about it,” Crowley muttered. “Lucky me, I’m going to be the recipient of all kinds of rude orders from now on, aren’t I?” 

“Oh my, that is regrettable,” the angel tutted supportively.

YO, SNAKEBIRD, I NEED FOOD!

“He’s calling me snakebird,” Crowley complained. “Can’t you do something about his abysmal manners?”

Aziraphale didn’t even try to hide a grin. “Well you have to admit, from his perspective that makes sense. As he’s seen you, you’re a snake with wings who is sometimes person-shaped.”

Crowley glared at him. 

“All right, all right, I’ll talk to him,” Aziraphale said, stirring another bit of sugar into his tea. “He does need to treat you more respectfully.” 

“My name,” Crowley shouted into the next room, as he went to the freezer where they kept the mice and popped one in the microwave to defrost, “is CROWLEY. Mister Crowley to you.”

YEAH, RIGHT. SPEED IT UP, SNAKEBIRD.

Crowley growled under his breath but he did, nonetheless, bring the snack to him. He stopped just short of dropping it into the vivarium though and waited until Frederick met his eye. 

“Say thank you,” Crowley warned. 

Frederick did nothing. He was a snake. He didn’t grovel. Not even to a larger snake. It was completely out of the question. 

“Say thank you, or maybe I’m enough of a snake to just eat this little morsel myself,” Crowley threatened. 

Frederick hissed. 

“Okay, then,” Crowley said, “your loss, my gain.” He dangled the thawed-out mouse by the tail over his head and leaned his head back as if preparing to swallow it. He prayed fervently that he wouldn’t have to go through with this as he began lowering it towards his mouth. 

OKFINETHANKYOU

“What was that?” Crowley said. “Didn’t quite hear.”

Frederick thrashed his tail in annoyance and tried to think of a way out of this humiliating position. He couldn’t come up with one. 

I SAID THANK YOU

Crowley waited expectantly, wiggling the tiny corpse just over his open, waiting maw.

THANK YOU, CROWLEY?

Crowley grinned and tossed the mouse into the cage. And if he caught the utterly rude thing that Frederick mumbled behind his back as he walked back to the kitchen, he decided to ignore it. 

“I think we’ve made a start on nipping that little problem in the bud,” he told the angel, sitting back down and magically refilling his coffee cup. 

“Nicely done, love,” Aziraphale said. “I knew you could handle him.”

++

“By the way,” Crowley said a few nights later as they lounged on the couch, “Frederick says he wants me to take him out.” 

Aziraphale put down his book and took a closer look at the demon. 

“He wants what, exactly?”

“Oh, you know – “ Crowley said. “He wants to get out into the world a little bit. Feel grass. See the sky. Meet some animals. Get some tips on how to be a better snake.”

“And you think this is a good idea?” Aziraphale said. “Remember our little beach outing, after all.” 

“I know he’s a handful, but I think it’s worth trying, to see how it goes,” Crowley said. “He brings it up all the time.”

Aziraphale pondered this for a few minutes. “Where were you thinking you might take him?” 

“Mostly just out to people watch,” Crowley said. “To the park, for one. You can come if you want! And maybe to one of the paddling pools. Possibly to a pet shop? Hadn’t really put a lot of thought into it, to be honest. Wanted to run it by you first.”

This was somewhat untrue. Crowley had, in fact, been putting rather a lot of thought into it, now that he seemed to have taken on the role of big brother to a small, surly snake. What should he be teaching him about snakehood, and about the modern world? He didn’t really like the idea of Freddy spending his whole life just in a bookshop. He wanted to broaden his horizons. 

“I suppose I’m fine with it,” Aziraphale said thoughtfully. “As long as you’re both careful. You can use the carrier, for most of those things. Make sure you can miracle him back to you if he gets away.” 

“You have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Crowley said. 

Those, Aziraphale thought, are never good words to hear from a demon.


	2. Beneath the City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Frederick gets a tour of the Underground and discovers girls, and Crowley make a slight mis-step.

For the first outing, Crowley decided to keep it simple; he took Frederick out in his carrier to ride the Tube and people watch. Crowley wasn’t the biggest fan of the London Underground, but it seemed like a good way to begin getting Frederick used to being around large quantities of people. 

Frederick, to his credit, seemed quite excited about the outing, and agreed to be on his best behavior. He kept quiet and well-behaved as Crowley walked with him down to the nearest station, where they purchased a fare and caught the train towards the center of town. 

“Ok, Freddy,” Crowley said quietly as they settled into a seat with the carrier on his lap. “Have a good look around. This is probably more people than you’ve ever seen in your life.” 

WHERE ARE THEY ALL GOING, SNAKEBIRD?

“It’s Crowley,” Crowley reminded him. “And they’re all going different places. Work. Home. Off to do fun things. Off to do boring things.” 

“Is that a snake?” asked a girl who was two seats over from them. Crowley looked up and noted her exaggerated eyeliner, long dark hair, and heavy bangs. “Oh my gosh, can I see? I just love snakes!” 

Crowley smiled and made an inviting gesture. She scooted towards them and leaned down to peek in at his companion. 

WHY HELLO THERE, GORGEOUS, Frederick shouted. ARE YOU PART SNAKE TOO?

Crowley stifled a laugh. 

“He’s so handsome!” the girl said. “Can I hold him?”

YOU CAN DO MORE THAN THAT, SWEET LIPS! Frederick said, scenting out with his tongue and filing away the variety of interesting things this human smelled like. Mostly herbs. 

“Best not,” Crowley said, apologetically. “It’s his first time out in public.” 

The girl continued to talk to and coo over Frederick, asking the occasional question of Crowley about his breed and how to care for him. Crowley, feeling a bit like a proud father, happily talked snake care with her until the next stop, where she reluctantly left them. 

WHY DIDN’T YOU LET THE PRETTY GIRL HOLD ME, YOU BIG POINTY JERK? Frederick shrieked as soon as she was gone. 

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Trust me. You don’t want to be handled by random strangers. It just gets weird, fast.” 

Frederick sulked but settled down. Perhaps next time. He’d never personally met a girl before, although he saw them now and then in the shop. He had… questions. Like what was actually different about them, and did they come in the pointy and soft varieties like his friends did, and above all, were they as annoying as the male folks he lived with? He suspected not, for some reason. He thought he’d like to find out. 

A few stops later, an enormous bald man with a goatee got on and sat down across from them. He was wearing a long trench coat, had a variety of interesting piercings on his face and ears, and on his shoulder was perched a large, live parrot. 

Frederick began excitedly tapping on the front door of his case with his forehead. 

THAT ONE HAS A BIRD! LET ME OUT! I WANT TO SEE THE BIRD! WHY IS IT GREEN? I DIDN’T KNOW BIRDS COULD BE GREEN!

“Yes, I know,” Crowley said quietly. “Calm down. You can’t eat him, he’s too big.”

The large man across the way looked at him strangely. “Did you say something to me?”

Oh, good grief, Crowley thought, I’m going to get beat up on the Tube because of a talking snake who no one else can hear. Aziraphale is going to kill me. 

“Sorry,” Crowley said, smiling tightly and gesturing at the box in his lap. “My snake is all worked up because he’s never seen a parrot before.” 

The man eyed him warily and then pointedly got up to move to another car. 

“Enough from you,” Crowley hissed. “Settle down before you get us in trouble.” 

They rode for a while longer, switching lines occasionally and visiting various stations. Frederick seemed to enjoy some of the musicians playing at various stops, and had quite a lot to say about various people they encountered. 

Crowley, in turn, found that carrying a pet snake around on the Tube was an excellent way to meet new potential dating partners, something he had literally zero interest in but which he filed away to tell Adam about when he got to be a little older. He had, in a single afternoon, received three numbers scrawled on slips of paper, one number written on the back of his hand in ink, and an oddly explicit photograph that someone had somehow dropped onto his phone with a caption that would make even a demon blush. He quickly deleted it before Aziraphale had a chance to see it. 

It was enough to make a demon glad he was off the market, so to speak. 

++

“How did it go?” Aziraphale asked with a smile when they arrived back at the shop later in the day. He carefully closed the book he had been staring at for the last two hours. He wasn’t sure he’d succeeded in reading a single page due to his low-level worry and building anxiety about what his two loves were up to out in the wider world. 

“Not bad!” Crowley said, putting an exhausted Frederick into his basket. “He met a parrot, heard some music, met a girl – you know, your average day out.” 

“Met a girl?” The angel peered over the tops of his glasses. “What on earth?”

Crowley grinned. “Yes, our Freddy is proving quite popular with the ladies.”

He slipped over behind Aziraphale’s desk chair and gave him a hug from behind, placing his chin on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around him tightly. 

“Mmmmm,” Aziraphale murmured, enjoying the touch. “I’m so glad you had a nice –” 

He suddenly lost his train of thought, looking intently at the demon’s hand over his. “Why is there a phone number with a heart around it written on your hand?” 

If Crowley had been in touch with his more sensitive side, he would have known instinctively that this was not a good time to laugh and make light of things. Unfortunately, though, Crowley’s sensitive side was something he had spent most of the last six thousand years doing his best to stay far, far away from, as it caused him no end of embarrassment on most occasions. He had not yet fully adjusted to needing it as often as one did in a relationship. 

Therefore, he plowed ahead. 

“Oh, angel,” Crowley laughed. “it’s nothing to worry about! Apparently, traveling around with a snake is like catnip to certain types of humans!” He dug into his pockets and dumped several balled-up slips of paper into Aziraphale’s lap with a grin. “Look, I got three phone numbers and a naughty picture! Which I deleted.” 

Aziraphale stiffened and peeled himself away from Crowley, who wandered over to the couch and sat down. The angel stared down at the papers in his lap and then blinked a few times at the unconcerned demon before finally finding his voice. 

“I _beg_ your pardon?” Aziraphale asked, one eyebrow sliding up and his voice moving into that impeccable politeness which always signaled trouble. 

“I’m just saying a few people tried to pick me up, today,” the demon said, uncomfortably aware that his partner didn’t seem to be finding this amusing. “You know. As they sometimes do.”

“And were you encouraging it?” Aziraphale asked, moving from stiff to positively glowering.

“No!” Crowley said. “Honestly, I wasn’t. It’s just – people kept noticing that I had a snake and coming over to see him, then trying to get friendly with me. Honestly, I didn’t encourage any of them!”

“Anthony J. Crowley,” Aziraphale said sternly. “I know you and I know you are an incorrigible flirt. And for heaven’s sake, I realize you’re quite attractive and that everywhere we go people _notice_ you. But if you think coming home with people’s phone numbers written all over you –”

“It’s just one! One phone number! That’s hardly –”

“—and then dumping a pile of love notes in my lap is any way to behave, then you, my dear, have clearly lost your mind.” 

Crowley fidgeted under Aziraphale’s withering glare. Aziraphale looked, he thought, like he was about to start manifesting some extra eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he said forlornly. “I honestly thought you’d think it was funny.” 

“Funny?”

“Well, because it’s ridiculous,” Crowley said. “Like I could ever be interested in anyone else but you.” 

Aziraphale softened a little, but hrmphed noncommittally. 

Crowley patted the couch next to him. “Come over here, please?”

“Not until you remove that phone number from your hand!” Aziraphale insisted. 

Crowley licked his thumb and scrubbed the number off, quickly. “Look, it’s gone, okay?” he said, waving his now clean hand. “Promise.” 

Aziraphale snapped and the balled up pieces of paper exploded into dust. The dust made him sneeze, which made him look even more cross, but he did relent enough to thump down into the seat next to his love, arms crossed over his chest. 

Crowley leaned in and ran a hand through Aziraphale’s curly gold hair. “You’re handsome when you’re jealous, angel,” he said softly. “Kind of does things to me, seeing you like this.”

“Oh you,” Aziraphale muttered. “You’re impossible.” 

Crowley leaned in and planted a soft kiss on the angel’s temple, then his earlobe. “I am,” he agreed, continuing to plant little kisses and run a finger down the angel’s neck. “And I’m all yours. Promise.”

The tension tipped out of Aziraphale’s shoulders, and he pulled Crowley in to kiss him quite forcefully. 

“Quite right, serpent,” he said. “Try to keep that in mind, would you?” 

Nothing further was said for quite some time. 

++

“No more picking up girls, Frederick,” Crowley told him the next day. “You got me in big trouble with Aziraphale yesterday.” 

Frederick flicked a tongue at him. He hardly saw how this could be considered his fault. He was just too attractive. It was a terrible burden. He was secretly sure that all those people passing Crowley their phone numbers were just using the pointy one to get to _him_.

HOW ABOUT WE GO MEET SOME ANIMALS, THEN? Frederick thought. I MEAN, IF YOU CAN AVOID TRYING TO MATE WITH ANY OF THEM.

Crowley wagged a finger at him. “Rude little snakes don’t get taken anywhere,” he scolded. “I think we will just stay home today while you work on your manners.” 

++

“Frederick,” Aziraphale said later that afternoon. Crowley was out doing heaven knows what, and he and Frederick were taking a little break to curl up together by the window. “You need to keep Crowley out of trouble when you’re out.” 

Frederick craned a neck up to look at the fluffy one from his position coiled on the front of his waist coat. He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“He’s very susceptible to trouble, you know,” the angel continued, stroking a hand down the snake’s scales. “Comes with the territory. You need to keep an eye on him.” 

This was, Frederick thought, truly the most ridiculous suggestion anyone had ever made to a snake in possibly the whole history of the world. He, all twenty-four inches of him, was supposed to keep Crowley out of trouble? But then again, it was Aziraphale asking it of him, so he tried to wrap his brain around it. He nuzzled lovingly against the angel’s stomach and tried to look up to the task. 

“Also, we need to talk about politeness,” the angel said mildly. “Let’s start with how you address people when you want something.”

Frederick let out a reptilian sigh and set about trying to appear like he was listening while really going to sleep. Sometimes the lack of eyelids was a huge blessing in disguise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter they are off to the zoo. 
> 
> Sorry for always dancing close to the parts where there could be sexy fun and then stopping - my tween daughter (who is a fanfic fanatic and quite an excellent writer herself, although in different fandoms) reads my tumblr and would never recover if her mother wrote actual smut so my (posted) fics are and will forever remain PG-13. :)


	3. The Menagerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Frederick makes some friends, makes some enemies, and has a close encounter at the London Zoological Society.

“Well,” Crowley said huffily as he stalked into the shop on a crisp November afternoon. “We aren’t going to the London Zoo ever again.” 

Aziraphale appeared rather unsurprised by this conversational opener; perhaps he was already aware that something was up when Frederick had been mysteriously teleported back to the shop about an hour prior. He watched as Crowley took a moment to empty one pocket of his keys and ran a hand through his already-rumpled hair. 

“And why is that?” the angel finally asked, when no more information seemed to be forthcoming. 

Crowley whirled to face him. “Because we aren’t allowed!” he cried. “Can you believe that? They banned us. Banned you too. Whole family membership, just gone. Poof.” 

Aziraphale frowned. “May I ask why?” 

“Oh, you know,” Crowley said vaguely. “Shenanigans.” 

++

_Earlier that day_

“Freddy and I are going to the zoo today to meet animals,” Crowley said over breakfast. “Wanna come?”

“Oh, I’d love to! I haven’t been in so long!” Aziraphale said, “But I’ve got two calls from buyers this morning, and I really can’t miss them.”

“We can go another day,” Crowley said accommodatingly. 

“No, no, that’s all right. You two go and have a good time. I’ll join you on the next outing.” 

Right, then, Crowley thought, as he set about getting organized for the day. For this trip, he was planning to transport Frederick in just a small messenger-type bag instead of his travel case, to be less conspicuous. He dug through a few piles in his closet and found just the one he was looking for – soft and dark, warm inside (he added a little fleece and some demonic energy to keep it a few degrees warmer), and with a nice flap that Frederick could look out of without attracting undue attention. Then he sat down in the office to have a discussion with the snake before they left. 

“Frederick,” Crowley said, “we’re going to the zoo today to meet a bunch of animals and there are some ground rules you need to agree to.”

Frederick looked at him suspiciously. RULES ARE FOR BORING PEOPLE.

“Well for the most part, I agree with you there, Freddy. But, if I lose you at the zoo it will break Aziraphale’s heart. You don’t want to do that, do you?”

Frederick made a vague gesture of agreement with his tail. 

“So – here are the rules. No slithering away from me, not ever. You stay in the bag and peep your head out to look at things unless I tell you the coast is clear. And if you’re out, you stay where I tell you. Clear?”

Frederick considered it for a moment and nodded his assent. He was slowly learning that it was best not to antagonize the snake bird too much if you wanted him to show you a good time. 

++

Crowley and Freddy took the Bentley to the zoo, parking directly in front of the main entrance in a fire zone. There weren’t many people waiting, given that it was a slightly chilly weekday morning in November, but the demon nonetheless waved a hand at the ticket booth and sauntered happily through at the very front of the queue. He picked up a map and studied it for a moment. Where to start? 

“Let’s visit the otters,” he told Frederick. “They’re always fun.” 

It was early, so they had the otter display to themselves. Crowley unhooked the bag flap and brought out Frederick to watch. He seemed mesmerized by the otters at play – zipping back and forth through the water, climbing out onto a rock and then sliding or diving back in, and zooming right up to the glass to take a good look at them. They seemed very curious about Frederick. 

I CAN SWIM, YOU KNOW, Frederick yelled. 

“I know,” Crowley said, “all snakes can swim.”

I WANT TO SWIM!

“Ok, I’ll see what I can figure out. That would be a fun outing.”

I MEAN I WANT TO SWIM NOW, YOU MORON. WITH THEM!

Crowley smiled. “No, we can’t do that, my friend. You’d get in trouble.”

WHAT TROUBLE? I CAN HANDLE TROUBLE! Frederick shrieked, puffing himself up and looking like he was spoiling for a fight. 

“All right, time for the next exhibit,” Crowley said, packing the snake back into his bag. 

Frederick tried to hide his disappointment. He was pretty sure he could’ve been friends with those two furry things. 

++

Next they went to see the gorillas. There were several visitors there, but Crowley easily dispersed them with a demonic suggestion that something really amazing was currently happening in the tiger den. As the viewing platform emptied out, he pulled Frederick out of his bag again and let him curl around his neck where he could see better. 

WHAT ARE THOSE? Frederick asked in wonder, looking at the large, furry people-shaped beings sitting on the grass in front of him. There were adult sized ones and baby ones and some of them were playing. He was fascinated. Where were their clothes?

“Gorillas,” Crowley said. “Great apes, closest relative of people in the animal world. They’re primates, like humans are. See that big silver one over there? He’s the leader.”

HE LOOKS LIKE THE FLUFFY GUY

Crowley laughed. “He does not.”

YES, HE DOES! Frederick said, annoyed. HE’S SPARKLY AND NOT SNAKEY AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE NEEDS A BOOK.

Crowley frowned, considering it. He supposed he could see it. He tucked this piece of information to share with Aziraphale at the most inopportune moment. The angel would either be delighted or would all but swallow his tongue. Either way, it was sure to be amusing. 

Crowley moved closer to the window and sat down, placing Frederick directly in front of him on the ledge, level with the grassy area inside. Several of the gorillas were sitting just a few feet away. At first they paid him no mind, but when he uncoiled and stretched up a little to see better, one of the adult females noticed him.

All hell immediately broke loose.

The female gorilla shrieked and gathered up her young. Her companions, turning to see, also started to holler wildly at the sight of Frederick staring in at them. This agitated the silverback, who beat his chest and ambled threateningly over to the glass. Within moments every ape in the enclosure was sounding the alarm in a full scale riot. Snake! Snake!

The sound was deafening. Frederick was frozen in shock. 

“Shit, I forgot! Apes are afraid of snakes!” Crowley said, unceremoniously shoving Frederick back into the bag. The glass window behind him reverberated as the silverback hit it, hard. Thank satan that’s shatterproof, Crowley thought to himself. He all but ran for the exit. 

When they were back outside, Crowley stopped to lean on the wall and catch his breath. 

THEY FEAR ME! Frederick crowed from his dark spot in the bag. I LIKE THESE CREATURES!

Crowley rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure he could hear Frederick laughing as they walked away.

++

They visited the penguins, who fascinated Frederick with their clumsiness on land and ethereal grace in the water. They investigated the elephants, where much explanation had to be offered about how their long nose was not, in fact, a homage to the superiority of snake-kind. They stared at the pandas for a while before deciding that they were utterly overrated. All they did was eat. They wandered through the spider exhibit, where they both got the heebie jeebies and had to leave. They were just leaving the tiger den when Crowley, on impulse, took a quick turn into the tropical bird exhibit, after extracting another strict promise of good behavior from Frederick. 

The birds were housed in an old, Victorian brick building with rope-plank walkways and a small stream running through it inside. Tropical plants of every variety grew everywhere, and there was a combination of closed and open aviaries. Brightly colored birds of varying sizes perched in branches overhead and scouted on the ground for grubs and seeds. Frederick, safe in the confines of his bag, stuck his head through the half-opened flap and sucked in a delighted breath. Birds! Birds everywhere! He’d never seen such a mouth-watering sight.

It was the plants that caused all the trouble. Crowley tried to be responsible but soon found himself distracted by the dracaneas and banana trees and the birds of paradise and the largest elephant ear he’d ever seen in person – he simply had to stop to read the signs about tropical plants and to see if he could find a way to sneak a few cuttings. He was just gasping over a rare orchid he’d discovered growing off the trunk of a tree and considering miracling it home when he noticed something that sounded suspiciously like a tussle happening in a short distance away. He heard a quite distinctive hiss, followed by a loud thud.

“Oh bollocks,” he said, slapping a hand on the messenger bag and finding it empty. “Where in the bloody hell – “ 

Another sound led him to a dark corner, where he found Frederick coiled up with the back half of a medium-sized yellow bird sticking out of his mouth. He was concentrating fiercely and spared no attention for Crowley as his jaws worked to draw the bird inside his mouth and down his throat. 

Crowley, being infinitely aware of the oddities of snake anatomy knew there was no pulling the bird out of Frederick’s jaws now, so instead he crouched down next to him and tried to nonchalantly shield him from view.

“Hurry it up, little man,” he hissed, “or you’re going to get us arrested.”

Frederick continued to swallow, one agonizing centimeter at a time. 

A minute or two passed without incident, but suddenly Crowley got that tingling sense that someone was watching him. He turned as casually as he was able, still shielding Frederick from view, and found two small humans, a boy and girl, holding hands and watching him. They were perhaps four and five years old. 

They began asking rapid-fire questions in that way only children have, leaving Crowley absolutely no time to answer. 

“What’s that snake doing, mister?” the little girl asked, eyes wide. 

“Is he yours?” the boy asked.

“Is that bird ok?” the girl followed quickly. 

“Is he eating the bird? Do they taste good?” the boy continued. 

“Is… is the bird DEAD?” the girl shrieked. “Mom! There’s a guy over here with a dead bird and a snake!”

Crowley had just enough time to stammer a few ineffectual shushes and excuses before there was a grownup sounding scream, followed by guards arriving, followed by Crowley being asked to please come along with them to answer a few questions. 

He took a moment in the immediate chaos to miracle Frederick back to his vivarium in the shop before he followed the guards. He hoped against all hope that Aziraphale was occupied elsewhere and wasn’t suddenly going to see his pet arrive with half of a dead, yellow bird sticking out of his mouth. 

He should be so lucky, he thought in resignation. There was almost no way the universe was going to help him out on this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up splitting this because it was like nine pages long! So hey, another chapter yet to come! Not quite finished but will be soon. :) 
> 
> FWIW, this entire story emerged from just wanting to have Crowley walk into the shop and breezily announce that they'd been banned forever from the London Zoo, like it was no big thing. And before that, it started with a lot of research on whether there was an aviary in London anywhere where Frederick could get himself a tasty and inappropriate snack. And the two ideas collided and led to all the rest of this -- the emergence of the snakebird title, riding the subway, getting to play a little with !jealousAziraphale (always a favorite trope), etc.
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting! You all make my day every time I get a message!


	4. Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aziraphale and Crowley sort things out, and Frederick dreams big dreams (and is grounded).  
.  
.  
_______

_Previously  
_

_He took a moment in the immediate chaos to miracle Frederick back to his vivarium in the shop before he followed the guards. He hoped against all hope that Aziraphale was occupied elsewhere and wasn’t suddenly going to see his pet arrive with half of a dead, yellow bird sticking out of his mouth._

_He should be so lucky, he thought in resignation. There was almost no way the universe was going to help him out on this._

.  
.  
.

The texts began to arrive almost immediately. 

_Crowley, is everything all right?”_

Crowley held up a finger to the officious gentleman across the desk who was asking him some rather pointed questions. “I’m sorry, I just have to answer this – it’s my partner.”

_I can explain. But not right now. Need a few minutes._

_Are you in trouble?_

_No, no, just taking care of something. Home soon. Is Frederick ok? _

_Yes. Crowley, what is going on???_

“Sorry,” he said to the man across the desk, “but as you can see I do _not_ have a snake with me and I don’t know anything about how one of your prized – what was it? – yellow bird thingies came to be missing. I just happened across the snake right before the two children did, and it must’ve gotten spooked in the uproar and found a place to hide.” 

“That’s interesting,” the man said, turning his laptop to face Crowley, “because we have video footage of you in several locations today where you appear to be holding a snake that meets the same description.” 

Crowley examined the screen where there were a variety of crisp, clear shots of him and Freddy, face on. The lighting was excellent and it was them, clear as day. 

“Oh, now, that could be anyone,” he said dismissively, “you definitely can’t say for sure that that’s me.”

The man frowned at him. “It’s quite obviously you. Are you saying you weren’t involved in a riot in the great apes enclosure earlier this morning?” 

Crowley schooled his face in the epitome of innocence. “I certainly was not! This is harassment. Also, are you really certain that the bird is missing? I mean, have you done a thorough beak count? Must take a while…” 

His phone binged, then binged again, then binged several more times. He sighed and ignored it for the moment. 

The administrator handed him back the zoo membership card that he’d scavenged out of thin air a few minutes earlier, which somehow had come up linked to Aziraphale’s _actual_ lifetime membership account. He turned the laptop back towards himself, typed in a few keystrokes, and then hit enter decisively. 

“Your zoo membership has been terminated, immediately. If you are ever noted here again, we will take legal action. And you can be expecting to hear from our lawyers about compensation for damages.” 

“Well that seems unnecessarily harsh,” Crowley said. “And now if you don’t mind, I’ll be going.” 

He stalked out of the office, doing the best to keep his dignity intact as the administrator continued to glare at him. He waved a hand behind him to muddle the administrator’s plans about compensation. He certainly wasn’t letting his angel get a large bill for a bird, or for emotional trauma to a bunch of primates. Aziraphale would discorporate. 

His phone binged several more times on the way to the car. 

_“On my way home,”_ he texted. _“Hang on.”_

_“Love you,”_ he added a moment later, just to be safe. 

++

Aziraphale was anxiously waiting for him when he came in the front door about an hour later. 

“Well,” Crowley said huffily as he stalked into the shop. “We aren’t going to the London Zoo ever again.” 

Aziraphale watched as Crowley took a moment to empty one pocket of his keys and ran a hand through his already-rumpled hair. 

“And why is that?” the angel finally asked, when no more information seemed to be forthcoming. 

Crowley whirled to face him. “Because we aren’t allowed!” he cried. “Can you believe that? They banned us. Banned you too. Whole lifetime membership, just gone. Poof.” 

Aziraphale frowned. “May I ask why?” 

“Oh, you know,” Crowley said vaguely. “Shenanigans.” He looked around. “How is Frederick?”

“Rather full,” Aziraphale said dryly. “And sleepy. I don’t think he appreciated getting transferred over here mid-meal.” 

“He’s lucky that’s all he got,” Crowley said. “Wine? I need wine.” Aziraphale nodded, and the demon went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle and two glasses. 

“So,” Aziraphale said, sitting down and folding his hands in his lap in a show of patience, “I’d rather like to hear the whole story.” 

Crowley sank down into the couch, his body bent in ways that didn’t seem either natural or comfortable. “The day started well! He liked the otters, and the penguins, and he was really confused by the elephants. We had a bit of a problem in the gorilla exhibit – forgot they were deathly afraid of snakes, almost caused a riot when they noticed him.”

Aziraphale widened his eyes. “Oh my.” 

“And then I made the mistake of taking him in the tropical bird house.”

“Really, my dear, do you think that was a good decision?” Aziraphale asked sharply. 

“Well in retrospect, clearly not, but I thought I could keep a handle on him.” He paused and cleared his throat nervously. “He, uh, got away from me while I was looking at plants.”

Aziraphale nods. “Ah.”

The word ah, said correctly, could speak volumes, Crowley thought. Funny how one little syllable could convey so much disapproval, or disappointment, or dismay. All the dis- words, he thought forlornly. There weren’t any good ones that he could think of, when they were pointed his way.

“And… well, you know the rest,” he said, resigned. “He helped himself to a snack. Ate a bird, tiny really – you’d never miss it. Except it turns out they’re considered vulnerable, this particular bird, and they’ve been breeding them special and sending them out to zoos to live out their stupid little lives in a protected environment and it’s not such a good thing when you bring your pet snake in and let them eat one.” He looked up beseechingly at Aziraphale with his best don’t-be-mad expression. “I mean, how was I supposed to know that?”

Aziraphale stared at him, dumbfounded. “I would think,” he said rather hotly, “that any reasonable adult might intuit that from the available information.” 

“When have I ever claimed to be a reasonable adult?” 

Aziraphale cocked one side of his mouth up in amusement, but still looked rather cross. 

“And it would’ve just blown over,” Crowley continued, “but this pair of kids showed up with their mom and saw what was happening, and the mom started screaming and suddenly there were guards and everything just went south fast.”

“So,” Aziraphale said, “you’re saying it all would’ve been fine if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”

“Pretty much,” Crowley agreed. 

Aziraphale waited a beat to contemplate that. 

“How” he said exasperatedly, “can someone so smart be so -- ?” 

He gestured helplessly at Crowley, unable to find the right word. 

Crowley tried to figure out if he was supposed to fill in the adjective here, and decided he was not. 

“Yeah, I’m aware,” he said, glumly. “So, how mad are you?”

“Not much,” Aziraphale said, aware that he probably should be moreso. “Frustrated, yes, and a bit annoyed about the membership – I like the zoo! I have a bench named after me there! -- but mostly I’m just relieved that it wasn’t worse. And I’m glad you got him home safely. Still, I’m not sure all these outings are a good idea, anymore.” 

Crowley slumped back, exhausted. “I never thought I’d say this, but Frederick could put a demon to shame on the mischief scale. It’s impressive! How does so much chaos live in such a tiny little body? And how on earth did we manage to acquire the most poorly-behaved snake on the planet?”

“Oh, I’m mostly responsible for that,” Aziraphale said with a smile, thinking back on the pet shop. “They kept showing me sweet, lovely, docile little snakes when I was looking for my companion. One or two of them were quite spectacular! But I don’t know -- they just didn’t feel right. No one sparked with me until they brought this surly little monster out.” 

“Something more interesting,” Crowley said. 

“Yeah,” Aziraphale agreed. “He actually bit me when I first handled him! But then he looked so sorry and ashamed. I could tell he didn’t truly mean any harm. My heart just melted.”

“Reminded you of someone?”

Aziraphale gave him a bright and shining grin. “I don’t know what you could mean.” 

“Liar,” Crowley said softly, smiling.

“Let’s get dinner,” Aziraphale said, standing up and holding out a hand, “and then we’ll have a talk with Frederick about boundaries and behavior.” 

“There’s really no point trying to parent him, angel,” Crowley said. “He’s a snake.”

“He’s a _young_ snake,” Aziraphale corrected, “and not an ordinary one. I think he’s therefore prone to some angelic influence.”

“Good luck with that,” Crowley said, before taking the offered hand. “Certainly couldn’t go any worse than our attempts to influence the antichrist.” 

The angel cast one last look around the shop and then they stepped out into the late afternoon chill to find a cozy dinner spot. 

In his cage, Frederick dug down into his bedding and prepared to sleep, after having eavesdropped on most of that conversation. If they thought they were going to tame him, he thought, they had a rude awakening coming. Never mind that he loved nothing quite as much as curling up with his fluffy owner’s pocket and being read to and hand fed snacks – he was a force of nature, wild and free. He drifted off to sleep full of ideas about ruling over the gorillas of the zoo, who would tremble before him and bring him delectable morsels in tribute, all to please and calm their vengeful snake overlord. 

It was the most lovely dream he’d ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of this one! I hope you enjoyed it! Frederick is definitely grounded for a good long time... not that he will let it bother him. And now he knows a little bit more of all the kingdoms of the world. Who knows where this knowledge will take him. And yes, that's a scooby doo reference in there. :) Couldn't help myself. 
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who keep reading and commenting and kudoing - I'm so honored that you show up here and read my stories! 
> 
> I'm going to take a short break and then likely tackle wedding planning next. Although I've been avoiding that one because it's SO BIG of a subject, so you might just end up getting something built around another one of my one shots I've been randomly spewing out. Aziraphale foiling that mugging I referred to a few stories back, with some whump? A sappy story about them using the Victorian language of flowers to communicate during a dark time? The song fic I've been starting and abandoning for two months? Part two of by candelight? I've started and then walked away from each of these, so who knows where we will go next. 
> 
> As always, tumblr link below and if anyone feels inspired to do any snake and the seagull-related drawings I'd be delighted to share them with everyone reading the stories!


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aziraphale and Crowley try some co-parenting with their naughty snake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, I know I said it was over at the last chapter but this scene just kept wanting to be added into the story.

.  
\----

Frederick awoke the next morning to find himself in his glass vivarium, on the kitchen table, with both the fluffy and pointy ones sitting and staring intently at him. He yawned and straightened up to take a closer look. The pointy one had his arms crossed over his chest and looked quite cross, and the fluffy one had – well, exactly the same look. 

The snake had a moment of consternation, wondering what on earth could be wrong with his two friends. Did they have another fight? Were they breaking up? Was he supposed to fix them yet again? 

“Frederick,” Aziraphale said, “we need to have a talk about your behavior at the zoo yesterday.” 

I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO THE TIGER, he shrieked. HE’S LYING! 

“What? No! What?” Crowley said, confused. He blinked and got back on track. “The bird. The rare and endangered bird you snuck away from me and devoured.” 

OHHHHH THAT, Frederick hissed. THANK YOU, IT WAS DELICIOUS! 

“He says it was delicious,” Crowley explained to Aziraphale, who frowned and leaned forward to fix Frederick with the type of angry look the snake had not seen before from his soft and loving owner. It made him feel… a little odd. What was this feeling he was experiencing? He looked at snakebird for help. 

“Oh, don’t look at me, pal,” Crowley said smugly. “I’ve been on the receiving end of that look many times too, and let me just tell you that you have thoroughly earned it.” 

Frederick wished, not for the first time, that he could roll his eyes. Except that he was finding it hard to maintain his usual attitude when Aziraphale was still fixing him with his steely gaze. 

“Frederick,” Aziraphale said sternly, “you agreed to a set of rules for yesterday’s trip. Doing what Crowley told you, no running off, and certainly not eating prized members of the zoo’s collections. Your actions nearly got Crowley arrested and got us banned for life from the zoo.” He stopped and levelled a finger at the snake’s nose. “I’m very disappointed in you.” 

Frederick sank down a little into his bedding material and contemplated what on earth was going on. He was not enjoying this, whatever this was. 

He felt bad, he realized. 

This was new. 

“Do you hear that?” Crowley said. “You’ve disappointed him.” 

Frederick flicked his tongue out carefully and tried to come up with an insult that might defuse the situation, but was unable to. 

“So what we want to tell you,” Aziraphale continued, “is that you’re grounded. No more trips. No more leaving the shop. No more car rides. From now on, you’re a shop snake.” 

FOREVER? OH COME ON!

“Yeah forever,” Crowley said.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Aziraphale asked.

Frederick thought for a long moment. 

YOU SEEM A BIT OUT OF SORTS? He finally offered, tentatively. DO YOU NEED A MOUSE OR SOMETHING?

Crowley snorted. “He says sorry,” he said, giving Frederick a meaningful look that made it clear this was what anyone with any sense _would_ have said to the angel just then. “Let’s give him some time to just think about his behavior.” 

Frederick curled up in a ball in the back of his tank as his two friends put away the breakfast cups and headed off into the shop, leaving him alone on the kitchen table. He was disgruntled, but he was sure it was nothing a bit of sleep wouldn’t fix. They’d be in a better mood later, he thought to himself, and he didn’t believe for a second that they were never going to take him anywhere again. Not with that expensive carrying case just gathering dust beside the grandfather clock. 

++

“Do you think we were too hard on him?” Aziraphale said a little later, as they sat together on the couch in the office, the angel curled up against the demon’s shoulder. 

“No, angel,” Crowley said. “I think we presented a united front and let him know his behavior wasn’t acceptable. That’s what you’re supposed to do in these circumstances.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

Crowley laid a kiss on the top of Aziraphale’s head. “You did good, angel. Don’t worry, he got the message.”

“_We_ did good,” Aziraphale said. “Who knew parenting could be so hard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
.  
Thank you for reading! I just couldn't resist the idea of the two of them trying to provide some loving, united discipline to their pet, who's alignment on a good day is no better than chaotic neutral, and with exploring how Frederick might react to getting a stern talking to from his sweet, soft, adoring angel owner. For all his sass, Frederick has a good heart somewhere under there. 
> 
> See you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me on tumblr at <https://ineffably-good.tumblr.com>.
> 
> We have fan art! Thank you to the talented artists out there who have taken a minute to draw our little Frederick. I welcome any and all contributions!
> 
> 1) @rocketbeagle did a drawing of Frederick the snake! I love it. Go like their pic of : [Frederick curled around Crowley's neck](https://rocketbeagle.tumblr.com/post/186197588881/Frederick).
> 
> 2) Also from @rocketbeagle: [a full portrait of Frederick! ](https://rocketbeagle.tumblr.com/post/186339285825/have-another-frederick-uvu-from-ineffably-goods)
> 
> 3) From @akinmytua2, [this great pic of Frederick curled up in the sun on a bookshop chair.](https://akinmytua2.tumblr.com/post/187453068510/kodachrome-was-because-you-move-me-chapter-1)
> 
> 4) Also from @akinmytua2, this gorgeous view of :  
[ Frederick in the messenger bag from London Calling, right before he sneaks out to eat the bird](https://akinmytua2.tumblr.com/post/187743485645/london-calling-chapter-1-megzseattle-good)


End file.
